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"The MBA"
(Sung to the tune of "The Wreck of the Old '97" & "The MTA")
Song Blog #5: May 6, 2007
This melody comes from the world's two best-known train songs, which in turn came from a sea shanty published in 1865 called "The Ship that Never Returned" (by Henry Clay Work, who also wrote the enduring children's hit, "My Grandfather's Clock"). It's first incarnation as a train song was as "The Wreck of the Old '97," about a train that left Monroe, Virginia, in 1903, and never returned. In 1924 it was recorded by Vernon Dalhart on RCA Victor and became the first record to sell a million copies as well as the subject of a major copyright lawsuit overthe lyrics. The courts ruled against RCA and awarded $65,000 on sales of five million records to a telegraph operator who had been at the wreck, but RCA had better lawyers and he died before he could collect. In recent decades, the "Old '97" version has been covered by performers such as Johnny Cash, Woody Guthrie, Hank Snow, and Flatt and Scruggs. Here's my favorite verse:
He was goin' down the grade makin' ninety miles an hour
When the whistle broke into a scream
They found him in the wreck with his hands on the throttle
Scalded to death by the steam.
I wonder how that would fare under today's rating system? Probably get an R for uncessessary violence.
In 1948 it was rewritten and used as a campaign song for a Boston mayoral race, and in 1959 The Kingston Trio turned it into a monster #1 hit called "The M.T.A. Song" (often known as "Charlie on the M.T.A."), about a hapless guy who boards a Boston subway train and never returns. Here's the chorus from that version:
Well did he ever return? No he never returned
And his fate is still unlearned (Poor ol' Charley)
He may ride forever beneath the streets of Boston
He's the man who never returned.
I wrote my version out of frustration at the excesses of the 1980's, the so-called "Decade of Greed." Phil Hirsch was at the controls and played guitar, bass, and banjo. Unfortunately, the master tracks have been lost, so I cannot update the lyrics without also updating the music. But if you cover it, all you need to do is replace "some soybean futures" with "some dot-com futures" and "in the Eighties" with "in the Zeroes" and—presto!—it's totally up-to-date.
Phil and I do an old time folkie thing here, but it could be rocked out, countrified, or even rapped. The melody has golden pedigree—a popular sea-shanty from the 1860's, America's first million selling record in the Roaring Twenties, and again as a #1 smash hit in the 1950's. This tried and true tune is just itching to become the first song to be a hit in three consecutive centuries!
The MBA
Skeptico Music—BMI
Well let me tell you all a story about a man named Charlie
And the new American way.
He went to the right college and on to business school
Then they put him on the MBA.
What's your rate of return? What's your rate of return?
Is your equity position firm? (How's your market?)
Did your bottom line show a short-term profit
Did your maximize your rate of return?
Charlie took a job in the caverns of Wall Street
For a real good starting pay.
He made a meteoric rise up the corporate ladder
He could really play that game.
But he never stopped to smell the roses
The thorns got in his way.
He kept his nose buried deep in the "Wall Street Journal"
He was ridin' The MBA.
What's your rate of return? What's your rate of return?
What did your portfolio earn? (How's your margin?)
Did your bottom line show a short term profit?
Did you maximize your rate of return?
Well Charlie's wife liked to shop at Bloomingdale's
And his mistress at Tiffany's.
What with the house in the country
and the payments on the Mercedes
He couldn't quite make ends meet.
So he made some personal investments using corporate finances
But he rolled them over every day.
Till he took a flyer on some dot-com futures
And the market went the other way.
What's your rate of return? What's your rate of return?
Did the market leave you burned? (Poor ol' Charlie)
He was ridin' so high in that strong bull market
Too bad his checks were returned.
Well Charlie neglected
to cover his assets
And his company had to pay.
So the board of directors called Charlie on the carpet
And they threw him off The MBA.
Now Charlie's hanging out
I a banana republic
Where a little money goes a long way.
The statute of limitations gives him five more years
Till he can ride The MBA.
What's your rate of return? What's your rate of return?
Did you spend more than you earned? (Poor ol' Charlie!)
He was ridin' so high in that strong bull market
Till his negative rate of return.
Well isn't life much simpler living in the Zeroes
Now that we can safely say
there can be universal peace
and happiness for mankind
If the world rode The MBA.
What's your rate of return? What's your rate of return?
Are your dividends fully earned? (How's your karma?)
Did your bottom line show a long term profit?
Can you justify your rate of return?
Can you ride forever in a strong bull market
If you maximize your rate of return?
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